An Ugly Word, Depression.

I have gotten extremely lazy. I'm afraid I've been in a world of my own, convinced of my own inferiority. It's something I've gained a habit for. And it's a difficult one to break out of. I've had depression for as long as I can remember, only getting professional help six years ago when I felt myself slipping over the edge. I wanted to die. What stopped me was my nephew, a little boy of five. At that time he lived with my brother and his wife around the corner so it was easy to go back and forth. And the idea that he would discover my lifeless body scared me. I couldn't do that to him. And so I sought professional help.

It hasn't been easy. There have been many challenges along the way but I feel that my pain has made me stronger today rather than weakened me. There are days when I feel the pills don't work, but I'm still here. I'm 27 now and I know I don't want to die. Not for a long time.

But I have to admit I have gotten lazy. I've been reading and whatnot but my writing has dried up lately. And I have found myself using my depression as an excuse. Which is shameful. It shouldn't be used as an excuse. There is a stigma that all you have to do is 'get over it', and for anyone suffering depression it's one of the worst things to hear. For depression isn't about slacking off, it's a chemical imbalance where you feel numb. You're not sad, but you're not happy either. You go through the motions but it doesn't mean anything. You don't feel anything. And if you do, it's a hollowness within yourself. Well, that's what I've found in dealing with depression.

So I have become very uninterested in my writing, and at times couldn't be bothered even trying. That's the worst thing I know I could do for I've got to try and do what I love. I know this is likely just a ramble but it is something I had to get out of my system. I have to get on with it and this post is a first step. For what alternative is there but to move forward?

Glasgow Film Festival: A Celebration of Women

Here's lookin' at you kid: Ingrid Bergman heads the lineup of female-centric films at GFF15

This years Glasgow Film Festival has many treats in store for its viewers, and some involve the celebration of women in the modern world.


Every year GFF celebrates classic movie star, one who's contributions to cinema are still valued to this day; and this year is no exception as the team have put together a selection of films and documentaries in celebration of Ingrid Bergman's career.


Bergman is best known for her role in the classic Casblanca opposite Humphrey Bogart, and Notorious with Cary Grant; both of which will appear as part of the festival. But she was already a star when Hollywood came calling, with the film A Woman's Face kick-starting the celebrations. There will also be a documentary looking as Ms Bergman as a feminist icon as well as an exhibition at Glasgow's Royal Concert Hall throughput the festival's run.


Along side Ingrid Bergman, GFF are showing a biographical film of novelist Xiao Hong, a chinese woman who's own life was marred by tragedy and the control of men, which she managed to escape making her own way in the world. At 19 she ran away from home to avoid an arranged marriage, but her fiance tracked her down but left her alone and pregnant in Beijing.


After avoiding being sold to a brothel she found a safe haven with a newspaper editor and eventually began writing short stories before going on to write The Field of Life and Death. Through her writing she documented one of history's most turbulent eras but her work has sadly been overshadowed by male writers of the time. The film The Golden Era stars Tang Wei as Hong, directed by Ann Hui it brings the remarkable life of an extraordinary woman to light.


As Hong was a working woman in 1930's China, GFF also showcases the importance of the power suit in representing the modern woman. For one day they will showcase this piece of fashion with the films Mildred Pierce and Working Girl, and will be accompanied by a panel discussing its representation and whether or not times have indeed moved away from the iconic look.


And if that's not good enough, Kate Winslet steps back to the times of Louis XIV as Sabine de Barra, chosen to make the designs for the Gardens at the Palace of Versailles a reality in A Little Chaos. Game of Thrones' Maisie Williams stars in coming of age story The Falling, set in 1969 as we follow two teenage girls on the verge of womanhood. And Silent star Colleen Moore shines in the restored classic Why Be Good? Other films featuring female-centric performances include The Ninth Cloud, Pale Moon, Blind, 1001 and many others.


As well as the fictional, there are a couple of non-fiction treats such as Queens of Syria, a documentary following a group of syrian women who have escaped and come together to create their own version of the Greek tragedy The Trojan Women, a poignant look into the consequences of war with Syria; Dreamcatcher follows Brenda Myers-Powell, whose early life led to drugs and prostitution before turning her life around and founding the Dreamcatcher foundation that inspires to help women in hard situations turn their lives around.


There are so many great films and documentaries at this years festival, go along and be a part of it.


For more information go here: http://www.glasgowfilm.org/festival/whats_on