I have gotten extremely lazy. I'm afraid I've been in a world of my own, convinced of my own inferiority. It's something I've gained a habit for. And it's a difficult one to break out of. I've had depression for as long as I can remember, only getting professional help six years ago when I felt myself slipping over the edge. I wanted to die. What stopped me was my nephew, a little boy of five. At that time he lived with my brother and his wife around the corner so it was easy to go back and forth. And the idea that he would discover my lifeless body scared me. I couldn't do that to him. And so I sought professional help.
It hasn't been easy. There have been many challenges along the way but I feel that my pain has made me stronger today rather than weakened me. There are days when I feel the pills don't work, but I'm still here. I'm 27 now and I know I don't want to die. Not for a long time.
But I have to admit I have gotten lazy. I've been reading and whatnot but my writing has dried up lately. And I have found myself using my depression as an excuse. Which is shameful. It shouldn't be used as an excuse. There is a stigma that all you have to do is 'get over it', and for anyone suffering depression it's one of the worst things to hear. For depression isn't about slacking off, it's a chemical imbalance where you feel numb. You're not sad, but you're not happy either. You go through the motions but it doesn't mean anything. You don't feel anything. And if you do, it's a hollowness within yourself. Well, that's what I've found in dealing with depression.
So I have become very uninterested in my writing, and at times couldn't be bothered even trying. That's the worst thing I know I could do for I've got to try and do what I love. I know this is likely just a ramble but it is something I had to get out of my system. I have to get on with it and this post is a first step. For what alternative is there but to move forward?
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